So..

I found something else about myself today.

There was a party.

Well there was this party.

It’s something official, organized. It was meant to be a night off for me.

It was a room full of people, full of interactions and full of laughter.

It was THE party.

Everyone wanted to be there.

I walked out.

I honestly still don’t know why.

It’s not like I don’t know the people. It’s not like I don’t like the party.

It’s like…

Hmm…

Have you ever felt that feeling when you walk into a room and know instantly that you don’t want to be there?

A classroom full of students – first day of school.

A church with hands raised – first time you were there.

That moment on recess just when you walk out of the door and realize that now you gotta find somewhere or someone to sit with.

What if I feel that feeling when I’m with my friends?

What if I don’t really know them?

What if they don’t really know me?

What if I don’t really know me?

All these what if questions just boil down to one singular, most underlining and most important question that always lies at the back of my head.

Why did I walk out?

Again I’ll be very honest I don’t know. All I know is that I felt that feeling and I honestly don’t know how to even describe it.

Unwelcome

Uninvited

Unknown

I know I felt like I don’t belong there.

And there’s something else now gnawing at my soul.

Would this be different if he stayed?

Would this be a different me if my dad stayed when I was 5 instead of walking away?

I guess I’ll never really know.