It’s Time

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Man this month has been incredibly hectic. Why? It’s because of this

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Yep thats about right.

I’m ready to pop the question. Now it’s just a matter of time.

Wish me luck guys and gals!

Away

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I’ve been wondering a lot of things lately.

They’re the things I always think about and could never find an answer for.

Like why do girls insist on wearing shorts / short skirts in 8 degree weather.

Why do people press the pedestrian button at the traffic lights and then run across the road anyway.

How come no matter how the closer you live to church you’ll still be late for it anyway?

And one question that’s been bugging me most is why in the world is there no cheap places to eat at Sydney CBD???

After a while of thinking and rehearsing I realised that all the things I’ve been wondering about – be it shorts in winter or jaywalking – it’s not about whether they have answers. It’s just about asking the question.

I find that when I’m wondering about something, the first step to any sort of answer I’m thinking about is simply to ask the question.

This weekend I hated my life.

I seriously hated most of the things about it.

I hated the way that I have to go to work everyday only to find that I’m not filled by what I do. I hated the fact that I give my all at work and yet there are just some of those who doesn’t want to pull their weight and I’m forced to do their work on top of mine. I hated that I have not yet found friends in this so called popular city.

I hated that I was here.

Jack Johnson describes my feelings perfectly in one of his songs. I just want to be a thousand miles away at times.

Just to be somewhere else

Anywhere else

Any place else but here.

What if

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So..

I found something else about myself today.

There was a party.

Well there was this party.

It’s something official, organized. It was meant to be a night off for me.

It was a room full of people, full of interactions and full of laughter.

It was THE party.

Everyone wanted to be there.

I walked out.

I honestly still don’t know why.

It’s not like I don’t know the people. It’s not like I don’t like the party.

It’s like…

Hmm…

Have you ever felt that feeling when you walk into a room and know instantly that you don’t want to be there?

A classroom full of students – first day of school.

A church with hands raised – first time you were there.

That moment on recess just when you walk out of the door and realize that now you gotta find somewhere or someone to sit with.

What if I feel that feeling when I’m with my friends?

What if I don’t really know them?

What if they don’t really know me?

What if I don’t really know me?

All these what if questions just boil down to one singular, most underlining and most important question that always lies at the back of my head.

Why did I walk out?

Again I’ll be very honest I don’t know. All I know is that I felt that feeling and I honestly don’t know how to even describe it.

Unwelcome

Uninvited

Unknown

I know I felt like I don’t belong there.

And there’s something else now gnawing at my soul.

Would this be different if he stayed?

Would this be a different me if my dad stayed when I was 5 instead of walking away?

I guess I’ll never really know.

Human Doing

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Today I don’t feel like doing anything.

Man.

I’m listening to Bruno Mars right now and he got it. You guys ever had that time when you’re just passing by then you hear a song in the radio and then you realize that that’s exactly what you feel right then and there?

that’s what I’m feelin right now.

I honestly don’t feel like doing anything.

I wanna have a staring contest with the wall.

I wanna cook 2 minute noodles in 1 minute.

I wanna write a huge email complaining about everything in life and send it to terminator@skynet.com.

I wanna go to the closest restaurant to my house, order tap water, and then go back home, forbidding myself to take anything but right turns.

Yep, I’m honestly feeling like I don’t want to do anything.

And it’s okay.

All I need

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So I saw today what I expected a long time ago.

Honestly I shouldn’t be surprised by this, I knew it was coming.

But nonetheless, it surprised me anyway.

Have you ever had those moments when you think you were okay but the smallest thing sends your world crashing down?

I had one of those today.

I saw a picture of Her and Him together.

I’d honestly be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me. So I’m gonna lie –

I’m fine.

Why? I guess it’s because I don’t have anyone to talk to here except for Song.
I guess it’s also because here I have no one I can trust. No one again, except for Song.

It’s times like this when I realize that there are times in this world that will test you on what you truly believe in. When all the layers and all the walls that we put up and we set up and all the defenses that we’ve set just comes down

Crumbling

Crashing

Tumbling

Down.

There are times in this world when even the world will challenge why we believe what we believe.

Today was one of those times for me.

And I realized one thing.

I can live without a lot of things in this world.

I can live without friends. Hard? DEFINITELY. but possible.

I can live without money.

I can live without family around me.

I can live without Internet

Without a computer

Without backup or support or a group that I can hang out with

I can live without love.

But I cannot live without Jesus.

Because He’s the one that makes sense of all this.

The Gift: Angelfeather

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I just came back from a trip to Melbourne to see my best mate. It was, for lack of better words, absolutely awesome.

It’s amazing that even though we lost contact for a couple of years we came back and caught up as if it were yesterday. Even more amazing was how much we’ve changed over the past years. I know he used to tell me that he would never borrow from the bank to buy a house. Now we’re sitting at a coffee shop talking about the best interest rates for what bank.

But what’s even more amazing is how some things haven’t changed at all.

He still plays guitar. Passionately.

What’s even more amazing is that he still has this black leather guitar strap that he used in high school. After all these years it still meant something to him. honestly, he changed so many guitars but that one strap is still there

I reckon he values that wrinkled old furry strap more than he values his thousand dollar guitars.

That thing meant everything to him, though I don’t know what. Even though it meant nothing to me.

That strap was both nothing and everything.

There are things in this world that means nothing, but also means everything.

I remembered this scene from Inception (awesome movie btw) where the characters come across a room full of people sleeping. They didn’t come there to sleep, says the old bald man, they come here to be woken up, because the dream has become their reality.

Because they were able to choose another place to live in, another reality.

Sometimes I wish that too Angel.

Sometimes I wish I can live in my dreams. Where I can live a thousand lives. Where I can be a hunter, a pilot, a daredevil. Where things can be as I want them to be.

Where I can be anywhere else but here.

I saw your story Angel, and I just wanna say

It’s okay.

It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.

Its okay to hate life.

It’s okay to not be where you want to be right now and wish that you’re a thousand miles away.

All those things that you are feeling is part of being human.

I felt those too.

What I’m not okay with is this seed planted in your heart that you’re useless.

You’re not.

I’ve always been proud to have you as one of my angels, one of my Kids. I’m proud because I know that you’re a fighter. You’re one of those people who faces through fire and pain and come out the other side shining. You’re one of those very unique people that for some reason or another, will not stop at anything and will not let anything get you down.

I’m proud of you because even when the world is against you, you stood tall, did a Kung Fu pose, gestured them towards you, and yelled: “BRING IT ON BISHES!!!”

Like guitar straps and cut out coffee cups, You may mean nothing to the world, but you mean everything to me byutiful.

Don’t let the world tell you otherwise.

I love you.

- If you were a doodling on the wall, I’d put a frame around you and convert my house to a museum so that everyone can see my masterpiece.

Coffee cups and artifacts

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Ya know nowadays I always take a 2 hour train ride home.

What with Song’s place so far away from the city and all that, it means I have to take the train back and forth. The journey translated to Perth language would be like from Joondalup to Fremantle.

It’s a very long thumb twiddling session.

At any rate, what DO you do in 2 hours of sitting down? I’m gonna quickly glance around to see what everyone else is doing.

There’s a guy talking to another guy. Hmm…okay.

There’s a guy looking outside the window, pouting. Maybe he left something and forgot to bring it in a place two hours ago. Wouldn’t wanna be in his shoes.

There’s another guy playing on his iPhone. ooo! Apple brothaz!

Hang on a sec, why are the people in my carriage all guys?

Oh wait, there’s a girl there. She’s talking to another girl about another girl whose nail polish matches the nail polish of the girl she’s talking to. Confused? So am I.

Me? What am I doing?

I guess I’m reflecting.

Every single 2 hour train ride I’m on I like to take part of that time to just…reflect.

Just to remember things back then.

To remind myself of how Dad let people cross my path, people who developed who I am.

There were the good – mum, sister, friends, Kids, Song

The bad – mum, sister, that fat girl in 6th grade who always bullied me

And the ugly – mum, sis, and that other fat kid on 5th grade who bullied me.

Most of all right now though, I’m thinking of my Angels.

I remembered the time we have hanging out and having fun. I remembered that we went to dominos at like friggin 8pm at night and sit out and eat and play big two slumming outside at the park.

I remembered the time when we actually took the bus home countless of times and then I took the bus/train back. That was tons of fun!

I remembered when we played super smash bros and watched house under the guise of ‘helping’ out the games team for the ignite camp. I remembered the trouble I got into from pike subsequently afterwards – it was worth it xD

I remembered also the awesome time we had just hanging at home and watching sherlock Holmes and hanging out so late to the point that I had to sleepover Maestro’s house.

Most of all, I remembered the Sunday morning when I got this.

Yep, that’s right.

I still have it.

I Welcome you all to the Artifact.

These items, well they may mean nuts to others, but tell you what, these are incredibly precious to me.

To me, these are gateways to the time I once had.

Whenever I hold this in my hand, I remember.

We were sitting, all five of us including Ivan then, on the 2nd row to the front. I had the coffee in my hand and pastor D was preaching.

I remembered how disgusting the coffee was, but it was honestly the best coffee I’ve ever tasted.

I remembered that I was silently thanking Dad that for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to be anyone else except me.

That for the first time ever in my life,

I’m truly happy to have what I have.

So here I am in the train, about a year after that. Smiling contently because the only thing that I can think of was how funny you Angels were in my life and how awesome it was to have you here.

I know this blog is just about all I have left to contact you kids and I know that sometimes it’s not enough. Just know that you will all be in my heart forever Angels. And I want this blog to be a small glimpse of your home in my heart.

My two hour train ride is almost over, FINALLY! but there is something inside me that I just cant shrug off. I realized every time I think of you Kids,

Well I want the ride to begin all over again.

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